Just Emkaying: How to clean your room

Aug 7, 2010

How to clean your room

It so happens, that every now and then, we bachelors have folks from home visiting. My comrades in bachelorhood (except those nerdy ones out there) would agree that we are a breed that prefers to keep the house in "sleep" mode. That is, in a state that is comfortable to be slept in. Only Slept In

So once in a while, when the room gets a tidying up (pronounced H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K) you tend to mentally prepare for it first. In fact the more earlier you get a warning of potential visitors from a third world (a more clean one, ofcourse) the better it is for us to drown our sorrows of physical work in malted barley for longer periods of time. (I have since graduated to scotch and grain based beverages) In the end we know the excercise is in futility, but the objective is not to present the Queens Palace to the Folks. Even the Queens Palace wouldn't be enough, actually. The objective is to give a brief impression, that the boy is in line to live like humans, and can be presented for ceremonies and salary discussion sessions (pronounced M-A-R-R-I-A-G-E)

Anyway, since I have become an expert at this art form, of disguising normalcy for cleanliness, Daily Mirror has asked me to present a quick step by step instruction manual. So for all you normal bachelors, who need to deck up for a session of admonishing from the folks, please read on and be enlightened.

1. Admit the fact that your "clean" is equal to "very Dirty" for your folks. You cannot please everyone.
2. Take a wide look at you living area. You wouldnt recognize it yet, as it would be lined with a heap of clothes, magazines with "you-know-what", old boxes and bags, socks, shoes, ashtrays, bottles of various kinds, a sleeping roomate/s/Pet in the corner, the "wear to office" clothes in the least used side, a elevated platform that used to be the tea table - now loaded with unused items not mentioned above, chairs and stools used for drying clothes washed 2 to 6 months back, packing material from new shirts (which were bought to avoid laundry), lots of cobwebs, and some dark areas, which you did not know of being part of your room.
3. Once you've looked at this new view, and recovered from temporary shock, make a list of things under two parts.
  • Things that can be compressed and hid
  • Things that can be compressed and thrown (except the roomate, of course)
4. I suggest from experience that, you handle the first list of things immediately. If you don't, then probably you will end up throwing out everything.
5. In the list of things that can be hid, here are suggestions for where to hide them/solve them/get rid of them, etc
  • Clothes -washed/unwashed - give them off to the laundry. Saves time. And they will keep it with them for weeks without pestering you to pick it off the floor
  • Roomate - Get him some booze. Lock him in the bathroom.
  • Shoes, socks, undies and the like - Buckets. Throw them into the buckets. Cover with pile of newspaper and magazines. Cover with old blanket, and you have a nice stool. In case of stink, use talcum powder, hours before deadline.
  • Unwashed dishes, glasses- (Thats why you should always buy throw away plates/glasses for you parties!!!) The best way to deal with them is to pile them in the sink, pour a bottle of the best soap on them, and lots of water. Repeat till they are recognizable as plates and glasses. Then, wash. (of course you can add them in the throwaway list as well, during emergencies)
6. In the list of things to get rid off, always be ruthless. The more you throw away, the lesser the cleaning work. Crush, Crumple, Stomp, Smash, etc are your mission words. Repeat till the floor of your room is visible. Then, skillfully brush everyone to one side. If your on the ground floor, brush till out of the door, and then burn them all. ( I did that once, and took me half a day. To burn) If your not on the ground floor, pray that your neighbours below are nice people and believe in the power of forgiveness.
7. Now that you can confirm, that you do have more space than the 5 * 3 space you slept in, its time for some dusting and mopping. This is a very skilled job, and care should be taken on the floor area that you are attempting it on. The larger the area, the more drunk you have to be. Grab a bucket of water and throw it across the floor. Using soap in the bucket of water (not the ones your shoes are hid in) is preferable, unless you have no knowledge of "soap". Repeat until the colour of the floor changes from black to grey. Scrubbing the floor is a good idea. But if we could do that, then I wouldn't be writing this and you wouldnt be reading, so lets keep it as it is. A good idea.
8. Now switch on the fans at full blast, wait for it to dry, and there you have your room ready enough to get you through the visit.
It is advisable to do this a day before the visit, to create maximum effect. Hope you find this helpful, and don't break a few bones in the process. Do visit often for our next post - "Cleaning the kitchen - in JUST 5 MIN"
Mail me for any help at wearelazyguys@moronicposts.com
Love - Dr. Doityouself


  1. The Self proclaimed Rambo aka our Author (*and yet, somehow he looks like an indianised version of Yokozuna to me) has slickly twisted this story. If I were you I would read this post again, only this time replacing all I’s with Roommate, and all Roommate’s with I’s. Enjoy

  2. @ Baba " Err...this is fiction!!! inspired by roomates across the world!!!