Just Emkaying

Dec 31, 2019

The One with the truth.

Dear Emkay,

Wow. A Whole year with no posts, and with the train still paused at the station.

If the end of the decade was at 2016, this year end post would be very different. With the whole world sharing how magical the decade has been, I know it's hard to stay true to what's in your mind. But it would be a terrible start if you didn't stay true to your self, and had some effing truth serum to keep it real.

Though it isn't really as bad as you'd like to make it out to be, as you've already begun to realize in the last few days. It's a small detour in the larger scheme of things, a bitter pill to get better, and as you've already planned out, get the coal in, burn that fuel, and move. At your own pace.

There's a lot to be grateful for in the past decade so to speak. But before we go there, it's important to summarize the books of text you've scribbled, into something that you can look back at anytime, and remember.

So here goes.

It's okay to be choosy. And please be really choosy on who you share your true self with, not every one can handle it, not everyone will be equally invested in it, not everyone can last the long journey of perpetuity, not everyone can climb over setbacks and misunderstanding, and most importantly not everyone deserves it and you don't either.  The one's who can, are with you, and will be smiling broadly when they see this. The other's will probably go - what the fuck happened?!

That being said, you've gone a complete 180 in the last 10 years, and that's not right either. You can't wear your heart on your sleeve, but then go sleeveless. 


As you've grown older, and ultimately more wise, a critical part is the concept of balance. Just because you invest 100%, doesn't naturally mean someone else will too, especially given that they have their own lives. It's just not how people are. So pull back a little, balance it out a little, give and take and repeat.

A parent getting disabled, the other almost going through a health issue, overly romantic and heavy whirlwind romance that ended as badly as it probably could, the could have been's and the should have been's, the regrets, a really trying time professionally, a possible life threatening accident that you escaped unscathed from. An emotional fucking mess, a complete break down of trust in people, and a lack of purpose. All in such a short time of 2 years have clouded so much good of the decade.

That's tough. And it's okay. It's an experience and it's okay to feel whatever you are feeling. But you've been here time and time again. And you're still here.

I know that you hurt the most when people you trust misunderstand you and doubt your intent, but that's okay. And you hate yourself when you completely misunderstand others and get taken for a ride. But that's the cost of being you. You must know by now that you are not easy to fathom for most people, for better or for worse.

Remember the investment rule. Balance. If they don't get you now, they probably never did anyway. Try to mend the bridge, but don't bother doing it completely by yourself, especially to a shore that doesn't exist.

Forgive, forget, and Fuck off from there. 

But it's also important to pick yourself up again. To remember & celebrate those that stood by. To get back on the airplane to that new destination, life goes on. And you must go on. To newer experiences and most probably newer heartaches, but to go on. Fucking get up man!!!

There are those that want to see you succeed. Those who call you without you telling them that you are down. Those incidences that occur when you least expect them to. The people that you love more than yourself, and you've grown far away from them - get back to them. They are special and rare. Let them know.

(The Lost Village Boys. Masti Language. Bangalore Gang. And the other's singular's. I love you.)

Emkay, there's a universe that's watching, and if you only put your heart and soul into what you choose to chase, there's no stopping you. No one ever has. And No one ever will.

"You are only limited by your own fears and inaction." - Wasn't this your motto? So be it. Turn back the time and pick up from 2016. Be the Super Attractor you were.

Live consciously.
Practice Radical Candor.
Laugh at your own jokes.
Hum and sing, abashedly.
Keep talking about things nobody gets.
Please read, please.
Find the one. About fucking time.
Do things. Just Do.

The next decade is yours. Begin well.

A wiser Emkay.

Apr 29, 2018

ये कैसी मुश्किल आई है

ये कैसी मुश्किल  आई है
चैन से रो भी नहीं सकता
कैसे नींद आयेगी मुझे
यादें तुम्हारे रोक नहीं पाता

दील टूटा नहीं
संभल के रखा है
यह मेरी लिए नहीं
तेरे लिए धडकता है

ये कैसी मुश्किल आई है
ग़म मनाने का वक़्त नहीं
मेरी उदासी कहीं तुझे न लग जाये
इस ख्याल में हस्ता रेहता हूँ

माफ़ कर दे, गलती हम से हो गयी
क्या करें, पता ही नहीं चला
और जब पता चल गया
थो दिल चुप न रेह सखा

ये कैसी मुश्किल आई है
तेरी आहट से दिन बनती है
और तेरी परछाई से श्याम
जब थू ही नहीं, थो क्या दिन, और क्या श्याम

जानता हूँ की दिन दूर नहीं
की मेरी नज़र से नफरत हो जाएगी तुम्हे
एक नज़र से शुरू
और उसी से कथम

ये कैसी मुश्किल आई है
बीच बातों में तेरा नाम लेता हूँ
जी थो लूँगा तुम्हरे बिना
पर तेरे रुह से बंधा हूँ

ये कैसी मुश्किल आई है

(I had penned this down in 2014. It remained in my drafts for a long time, and make no mistake, I am no poet nor is my Hindi any good. But then again, it held meaning. I was rummaging through the drafts, and I thought - Why not? Grammar & Spelling corrections welcome :)

Mar 19, 2018

What happened in Dec 2017

Hey there!

Nice to see you back on the blog. I must say that I wouldn't blame you if you thought that three posts in 2017 more or less signalled the end of 10 years of this site. But, nope.

I think this post has been a while in my mind and I don't think I've debated so much about writing a post as much as this one. Some of you might have noticed my prolonged absence from Social Media till about March, and even then hardly on facebook at all. It has been a choice to silence all the noises and questions in my mind, to keep it calm and not jump at the very tempting stimulus that the online world has to offer.

After a long time, I've decided to write this as a way to overcome and accept the changes that came into my life on Dec 5th 2017, around 7 pm. My mother called me to inform me that they were rushing to the hospital as my Dad had a stroke.

Aug 13, 2017

My Mid year appraisal.

Dear M,


It's me and Columbus, in Spain
Welcome to the latest in random thoughts and mumbling from my "bored, lazy, yet determined to keep this space alive" self. It's not the first time I've been gone for long, and I'm sure it won't be the last.

Hah! used clickbait headlines, but will make it up to you if you read on. Promise.

Of course make no mistake - I have long forgone the thoughts of being a consistent writer, which requires some semblance of linear thought or being adept at bringing together seemingly disjointed ideas into a interesting narrative over a period of time - (I'll let George Martin get the fame on that one) I have also come to the sad conclusion that I do not enjoy documenting my experiences on travel beyond instagram stories or photos - given probably to my fascination with the next thing I interact with, as inanimate or irrelevant may it be to most adults. Attention Deficit I think they call it.

Ooooh look a butterfly! 

For those wondering, this post took me 6 hours, 2 4 episodes of Fringe, lunch, 2 breaks, one coffee, an hour of contemplation on who really wrote history (victors or losers) and redding 100 odd pages of the Amazon book, to finish. I allow myself these liberties on weekends.

Feb 17, 2017

Inspiration: Meet Subodh Vishwakarma: from Cab to Cannes

Meet Subodh Vishwakarma from Bodhgaya. He drives an Ola by day, and I've had the luck of having him drive me to office twice in the span of one month. The first time I met him, he was clean shaven and formally dressed. He saw my guitar and began discussing music. He was a poet, wrote Ghazals and was also learning the flute, which was on the dashboard of the car. I was impressed by his aspiration and desire to achieve his dream. He had subscribed to the writers association and was looking for support to make an album of his Ghazals, sung by none other than the top Bollywood singers.