Just Emkaying: The Fault in our Thoughts

Jan 1, 2017

The Fault in our Thoughts

Fault (verb): In geology, a fault is a planar fracture or discontinuity in a volume of rock, across which there has been significant displacement as a result of rock mass movement.

Dear M,

Indulge me just a bit, in the misuse of fault in the title of the post. For that is what summarises an exceptionally amazing and unique 12 months that have passed. And as I laze around in the first few days of 2017, it is what I will need to remember for the challenges ahead.

Sometimes, it is important to put feelings and experiences into words, lest those feelings get lost in the quicksand of time. And with it, the risk of forgetting all those lessons that one should learn. History has a habit of repeating itself, and while it doesn't happen often with me, one particular chapter keeps repeating again, and again, and off late, again. However, this year I write not of just that chapter that is a recurring theme in my end of the year posts, but of everything else.

The fault in my thoughts. 

In the last 18 months I have changed. I would not say that this change was surprising, in fact it was way beyond due. It has surprised a few. On the face of it you wouldn't see it, because simply making
an external change is superficial and temporary. It doesn't t solve anything except delaying the inevitable. And thats when history repeats till you learn the damned lesson.

But when you adapt and mold your soul, when you can't take status quo for solace, when you rise above empathy and the sense of entitlement from the world, that you actually start believing in yourself, and in your dreams. That it is no longer them and the world, it is actually you who can make it happen, if you choose to.

The power of choice.

It started in 2015 when I was at the Praxeum workshop, and I had to answer the simple question - What is that you want the most? What is it that you want to create for yourself? And what are you going to do to achieve this?

Take a step back and reflect on this question.

Do you want to be a CEO of a multinational? Or propose to the love of your life atop the Eiffel tower? Or make it even simpler - learn a musical instrument in the year? Put that down on paper, and then figure out how you are going to make it happen. Live it. Breathe it. Walk towards it. Because it's just you who can make it happen. No one else will. The world won't "make it happen".

In my case I had a vague idea of what I wanted. Which is really fine. Knowing that you don't know is the first step to figuring out what you want. And it's not necessary that you have ambitions that make it to the Buzzfeed lists. They just need to be what you want. There will also be moments when mid way through your wish you figure out that it's not what you want or at least not in the immediate moment - that's amazing because it's one step closer to clarity.

Why didn't I do this before?

Thoughts and general ramblings are like air. You breathe in and breathe out. And you can keep doing it all you want and you'll be fine. When the words start becoming visual, when they start taking a shape and become real, it can be overwhelming. I was afraid (and I'd like to think that most are) to put down what I want, because by the sheer action of noting them down, and that means you are making a "choice". And the difference is that you either take action and make the choice, or just stand by and watch the world do it's thing and maybe, you get lucky.

And I'd rather not bet my life on luck.

This stuff is really basic. 101 of life. Stuff that ThoughtCatalog will run a hundred facebook posts for a thousand likes every time. And yet, the simple act of deciding what you want and making the choice to go for it is stuff that people are not comfortable with.

My good fortune was that I was ready as hell to make that choice. Even if I didn't know what I should be choosing between. 

Cut to 2016. I had some things that I wanted to achieve and I went after that. I could say I've reached 3.5 out of the 5 things I thought were important to me. And I'm super happy with that, because the count for all the years before that was 0. And what matters most is that you go after them, not necessarily that you achieve them. The journey is just as beautiful and enriching as the end result. And sometime's its okay to not have ticked off that goal - chill. It's fine.

There are no "must do's" in life. Don't hold a gun to your head and punish yourself.

With that background, here's what went down in 2016. I've travelled a lot - more than the last 5 years put together. I've confirmed a lot of things about myself when I went around Spain alone. Made a lot of choices that were difficult for me, and as history repeated I picked myself up from disappointments much quicker than before. I learnt that music has a profound impact on me, and that its something I should take up for myself. I've loved more deeply than widely. I chose health and made great progress towards it, and in the process become more disciplined, something that I sorely lacked as an easy going person. I trekked a Volcano with people I met a week before and learnt so much about the human spirit and the ridiculousness of living by emails and powerpoint presentations. I floated in the sea with a sense of freedom I never experienced before. I attended weddings of dear ones were I felt more like family than I did in my own. And in the last few weeks, life has been a roller coaster of emotions and for the first time in many years I felt lonesome - which is great. Because I felt it. And that means there is hope.

I loved 2016.

And the best part was that each and everything I did had the stamp of my dear friends. Each and everything had my buddies inspire me. You know who you are - thank you and I hope someday I can do the same for you. I've been very lucky to have an amazing bunch of friends, each of whom have played a big role in who I am, and have stood by me. And they are all unique in their own way.

As I wrap up, I know change is coming. Change is the only constant in life, and the harder you hold on and try to resist, the more painful it gets. And as much as I don't want things to change, I know they will. And December has taught me that. Of course I'm not perfect, and no one is. So that means there are flaws but thats what makes you, quintessentially you. So love it and be proud.

Little things matter. Experiences over possessions, Love, Relationships, moments, people, loyalty, openness and deep introspection, and most importantly, trust. If you get hurt, it only means it was real.

So 2017, you do what you want. Because I'm rocking 2017 irrespective.

Love you guys.



  1. Hey Madan. . .well said. . .and well, nicely written. The feeling of being lost in the world is bad, but the good part is you can only come back better! Thanks to Sai, I rediscovered your blog.All the best maccha for years to come ahead. Ciao.Rejoy

  2. Hey Madan. . .well said. . .and well, nicely written. The feeling of being lost in the world is bad, but the good part is you can only come back better! Thanks to Sai, I rediscovered your blog.All the best maccha for years to come ahead. Ciao.Rejoy