Just Emkaying: April 2009

Apr 16, 2009

The Art of Meditation


I know its been a tough time out there for everyone. The recession is hitting everyone and people are looking for different ways to release the emotional and mental stress and tension.

I have always believed that meditation depends on the individual. After failing miserably at conventional meditation, I have now devised upon a meditation technique which works for me: and I hope works for you.

STATUTORY WARNING: By reading ahead, you agree that you are under control of your senses and know what you are doing. Any action/Reaction/No action are your liability and we will not take any responsibility for the same. If you are looking for serious meditational techniques, google it...

Here we go:

Before we go ahead we need to have some pre requisites. Kindly make sure that you have the following at close range
1. Two bottles of chilled beer (and bottle opener)
2. Vodka (any make)
3. Glasses/Straws depending on the number of Participants

First of all, sit down on the floor in closed seat position. Make sure that you are comfortable and preferably wear loose clothing. I always try being as close as possible to open air source. A terrace would be perfect for you city dwellers.

Now, As you noticed we have taken a few pre requisites with us. Do not think that we are going to enjoy drinking alcohol. No no no. Alcohol is just a measure for improving concentration. (works for me) Make sure the prerequisites are kept on a knee height table, where you can reach them easily.

Now that you are ready, close your eyes and take a deep breath. Breath out. Repeat 5 times.
Concentrate on your breathing. Deep breath in. Deep breath out.

Feeling better? Now at this point, its best to check if the beer is still chilled. You may ask why. Well the reason being that when you meditate, the energy of the universe is drawn towards you. If your doing it right, then obviously the beer would get warmer because of the energy around you.

Still cold? Well try again. Breath in. Breath out. Repeat 5 times. Check the beer. 
I never could make out if the beer was really chilled inside. Don't take chances. Open the bottle, and have a swig.

Gulp. Gulp. Ah...

Getting a bit warm. Great!!! Your doing it right. Now go ahead and repeat breathing excercise 6 times. 

Feeling better already heh?!! Check the beer. Have a longer drink this time. Feel the beer going down your throat. Feels good right. Thats meditation power.

Now for the second part. 

Breath in through your left nostril. Exhale through your right. Repeat 5 times.

Feeling the energy around you? Can you feel the awareness? Now check on the second bottle of beer. This time make sure you drink at least half of the bottle. This is important to ensure you dont confuse the effect of the first excercise with the second one.

Gulp, Gulp, Ah...

Feeling ligheter right.? The energy is now working with you. Continue the excercise with the opposite nostril. 6 times.

Check on the beel again. 


Make sure you pinish the bottle, because the next excercise is mole complicated and needs ploper attention

Now before you start the next excercise, pour a drink of vodka into the glass. This is in preparation of 3rd excelcise. 

Breath in deep and hold for 3 sec. Now breath out deep and hold for 3 sec. Continue thix times. Now with this excercise, you shud be able to channelize energy into the glass of podka, making it chilled enuf to dlink.

Check the vodka. in one go pleasch.

Gulp, gulp. ah Pill up the glass again.

Now that you are beginning to enjoy the meditation, repeat excercise 3. Breath in. hold. Bread out. Fold.

Theck the vodka. Dlink the vodak in one shot. 

Now that you are getting the bang of it all, do any excercise u want. Bleathe in thru left postril. Fold. Don't tly to get up. 

Oh you got up. Bleathe out through what u can now. Pick boltte o podka. Hick!! Pu to you lips. Check if it is cold yet. no?
Bleath in to to vodka.

Lets try again. Dlink in the vodka, bleath out. No no...not nostil. Pour in mouth..

....still not thold? You have to wulk halder. Piinish.... all bottles of veer and bodka..... teek the kable aside. ....nd get into beld. Don;t exhaust fan your self. take rest. hick!

Again tly tomorowlly...from pirst hick!cercise....Z Z Z Z


Apr 10, 2009

Some more business jargons explained

This is a add on to a Sales jargon explanation I had given some time back on Daily Mirror. It was titled Sales Fundas
  Considering that the recession has hit and many are trying to make head and tail of what they hear and are asked to do, I believed it was my moral duty to continue on explaining these jargon's for the common man. So here goes


A behaviour expected from a employee whereby

he works 36 hours a day to achieve a target which the whole company together believes cannot be achieved. ( which they will not tell you, of course!!!)

Strategic planning

A piece of paper where you right down how you are going to fool your clients in to giving you absurd amounts of business and convince them to pay  more for it as well.

Cost cutting

A scientific procedure where the company tries to reduce expenses and thereby increase profits. This can be calculated using the following formula

Cost savings = No coffee/tea expenses + No travelling expenses + no stationary expenses

Cost cutting = [(YOUR Salary - Cost Savings) - YOUR Incentive - YOUR allowances] + more work + more time spent + more pressure


A weekly activity where the management sitting in Air conditioned halls for 7 hours, complete with state of the art electronic equipment, in cosy la' italia' spine support customised cushion chairs, discussing the early morning golf game, decide that people down the line are not spending enough time working. And thereby remove people other than themselves from their jobs. 

Market share

The percentage of the market that will buy your product, after you increase the price ten fold and make it available only in pack of 100's

Return on investment

An excel sheet that will explain that though the client is loosing money by dealing with you, and that he should probably be throwing you out his office window immediately (he threw you thru the door the last time) it is in his interest to continue as your client and "invest " (pronounced L-
O-S-E) money which he doesn't have and "expect" ( pronounced D-O-O-M-E-D) a guaranteed amount of money ( -3) as an interest in about 3 or 4 decades....

.....by the time which he would have closed down anyway.

and finally


A plot by the upper management into get you to double your efforts, work longer hours, take no breaks, no holidays, no vacations, no overtime allowances,for the same salary or less whereby increasing your "productivity"(pronounced S-L-A-V-E-R-Y) and filling the companies pockets.

PS ( the post is in good humor. Any resemblence to working conditions in any organisation, in any country is purely incidental (HA!) and has not been financed/planned/encouraged by me!!!)

Have a rocking weekend


Apr 8, 2009

Lets twist again!!!

A beautiful old classic....remember this song from my days in Bahrain. Have a look see..

Apr 6, 2009

Why do I blog?

Over the past three days, I have got back to my blogging habits. Basically because my blog is the only place that doesnt remind me of my job. Courtesy to blogger for giving us the opportunity to block or accept ads.

Every channel has an ad of one or the other of my companies brands. Every other store in Bangalore has a hoarding or a poster of one of my companies brands. And every other guy I meet asks me how's work.

So there. Apart from working 36 hours a day, I am constantly reminded that there is some media spend going on, and I'd better make sure that the brand is available in the place where people would like to buy it.

Anyway, so why do I blog....hmmm. I believe so for the following reasons:

1. Steven Speilberg rejected my story. So now I am reduced to blogging

2. My social life is reduced to getting lipsticks and skin creams for my friends, so I hope they read this and get the idea....(PAY ME!!!)

3. Knowing my friends here it is again PAY ME!!!

4. My fingers need excercise, since I have completed playing FIFA09 and punching all those sales figures

5. Blogging is a more evolved form of expression that leads to the release of creative intent that enables me to right rubbish like this and empowers me to talk gibberish to my boss!!!

6. I have become an insomniac. My nightmares begin and end with women who stop using nail paint and mascara.(PS : I work in a cosmetic company)

7.  I blog so as to remember all the other words that I can think of  apart from the one word I hear all day (TARGET)

8. I dread the day that keeping your hair uncloured and grey becomes a fashion

9. I need to keep reminding myself that I can write and talk crap instantaneously and constantly, thereby enabling me to one day write award winning copy for a popular ad

10. I have been approached by the bloggers federation to keep up my bad work, so that others can look good. (Its a talent I have developed over the years...call me)

11. And Finally, someones gotta to know that I have lost all sense and logic, ever since recession hit.

So that's why I blog. If you feel that you can contribute to my blog do the following

For cheques/demand drafts send me a mail
For cash give me a call
For anything else hit the power off button on your computer.

Have a fun tuesday!!!

Cheers :)

Apr 5, 2009

A small objective setting

I hope to make this radical change from left to right soon...target setting for the coming quarters!!! 

(PS cartoons designed by me via South park studios!!!)



Another monday coming up!!!

Sigh...sunday's gone. Another Monday to dread! 

Am one of those people who'd vote for a president who'd declare monday a holiday!!! CAn't say am looking forward to work, but then you have to work for a living and nothing can take away monday from that.

Any way guys, hope you don't share my views..go ahead and have a rocking Monday!!!



A silent Night

There was no one around that night. Usually an ocassional stray would cross over, stopping to stare at new elements on the road or sniff at the peepal tree to mark his territory. This night was eerily quiet.

The wind blew softly, ruffled his hair. Just like she used to, when they first met in college. No more. Under the light of the lamp post, he could see her smile, that which had first drawn him to her. He had always told her that, and she'd laugh it away. The days they spent at the library, playing footsie under the tables, sharing tiffins at the cafteria. She would always bring along something which he liked. A malai kofta or a paneer sabji. Always. 

A car came by. It was a white Maruti 800, and surprisingly came down to a stop in front of him. For a second his heart raced. 2.00 am in the dead of the night, reminded him of horror stories. The window rolled down, and the driver asked him the route to shaam nagar. He pointed them towards the left. The driver mumbled a thanks and drove off, not wanting to prod on as to why a 20 year old sat by alone on the stone bench in the dead of the night.

Then she had stopped. First missing occassionally, and then completley. She no longer looked at him in the adoring way she used to, and their visits to the libraries together ceased. She wouldn't be home when he called her, and her mobile was always busy. There were no more messages and no more late night movies.

Manav stood up and gaze at his watch. It was time. He walked towards the rows of apartments and moved to the one marked nandi apartments. The watchman was fast asleep, and bitto already knew him too well to bark. He pressed the elevator call to the 4th floor. He stepped in and pressed 4. As the lift creaked its way up, he felt no remorse. 

The lift opened with a bing, and he moved down the corridors to the last door on the left. 14A. The one he had been to countless times. Spent memorable nights and lived in for almost half his college days. He pulled out his master key and opened the door with a soft click.

The room was airy. He had opened the windows to let in the air. He din't want Ayesha to be uncomfortable. The soft moonlight entered into the apartment, casting a silver shadow on the sofa. He walked to her bedroom and opened it softly. There she lay peacefully, finally at rest. Her body was still warm, and the blood had stopped flowing from the slit wound. He had done it peacefully and now awaited the confirmation. 

He walked out into the living room, and replaced the photo he had taken earlier. It was a photo of both of them in happier days, when they visited Ooty together. And alone.

He locked the front door. This last journey he dint want to take the elevator. He wanted to savour it. He walked all the way to the fifteenth floor. Slowly. Lighting up a Milds on the way. She hated that. She never liked his smoking and drinking, but it was all done. He walked on to the terrace. It was indeed abeautiful night. Worthy of the moment. As he stood on the railing, he thought of her once more, and left his feet. he fell through the air, falling floors.

....where they had first kissed.... where they had first fought ...

as he neared the end, he could see the white dress of Ayesha standing at the window of 14A. Her clothes stained in blood. She was standing, holding on to the curtain weakened by the wound. But she was alive, her eyes wide in fear and shock as she saw him, falling by...

It was too late for Manav, Her name echoed upon the walls as he shrieked. But it was done. The cold pavement welcomed him. He felt the warm blood. But it was his blood, and it was the end.

Hollywood stars and attitude


During my daily rides around Bangalaore, I listen to a lot of Radio. Especially I love this channel called Radio one. The RJ's are really cool and the music is also Bindaas. 

So last week they had all these Hollywood celebritys come down to celebrate 150 years of Hollywod and I was like super excited to listen to these stars. There was Brad Pitt, Tom Cruise, Will Smith, Jenifer Aniston., though I couldn't listen to Ms Aniston.

Brads interview was kinda ok ok types. He was on with RJ prithvi, who I though tried to bet Brad to open up, but Brad kept boring. Then was Tom, who really sounded like a fun guy. But Will Smith was absolutely outrageous. I didnt expect this guy to be half rude and bloody damn arrogant.

When asked what's different about Hollywood, he says " we make a lot a money, maybe i could buy off a couple of blocks in India. " and says he doesn't think anyones really good in Bollywood, though he likes Sharukh (Chak de)

Somebody shoot the man!!!

Sheesh, the show too was dissapointing, with these stars coming on for 5 min, for a whole 4 hour show!
Talk about hype!

Sigh....maybe next time

happy weekend!

Apr 1, 2009

Blah!!! what a day!

I dont believe in calling a day bad or good. Instead I clasify it as a "sales man day" or a "management day"

Management day

Get up. Give your team a call and motivate them by 7am. Call again in half an hour to ensure they need any help. Call the client to ensure he knows of our new offerings. Check if your team has got the deal done. Meet team in office. Hold an "open meeting" and point out hurdles and ways to step over them. Get some tea to pep up the team. Guide them to try gain. Follow up in the evening to check if they need help. Give them a big opportunity to success. Repeat step one.

Sales day

Get up in the morning to your boss's call. Stare at the watch. 10 am. First thoughts "Run. Run.Run"Then get ready in 5 min. Run. Bike doesnt start. Kick the bike. You hurt your toe. Bike starts. Ride half way. Forgot your bag. Go back. Climb stairs. Open door. Get the damn bag. Lock the door. Double check. Come down 3 flights of stairs. Forgot the helmet inside. Go back up. Repeat everything. Answer phone call from boss. TEll him your in traffic. Then reach venue. To realize your late by an hour. Talk to client.Tell him your boss called a meeting early in the morning. Boss calls client. Your thoughts"Damn." Client tells you to get lost. You come out. Boss calls. He tells you to get back in. You get back in. Client is pissed. You use your secret weapon. Beg. plead. Point your helplessness. Paint your organisation as a sadistic torture camp. Get the deal done.Answer call. Come out. Reach office. Tell your boss of the deal. Boss tells you to get double the amount. makes sure to use his Amitabh Bacchan voice in full view of the office and the chai wala to riddicule you. Throws your ass back to the client. Client tells you to sod off. Answer phone call.You use your ultimate weapon 2. BEG. PLEAD. Repeat. Doesnt work. Go home. Boss calls. Says youve put your best efforts. And hands you a 4 hour presentation to work on to seal a deal the next day.Sleep at 3 am. Repeat from first line.

Now...which day did you have?!!!

Cheers :)