Just Emkaying: The Coffee Shop Characters

Sep 26, 2011

The Coffee Shop Characters

The following post is a work of fiction.Any resemblance to you, your friends or relatives is purely tough luck. Nonetheless, if you feel offended you can sue the Coffee Shop.

Characters you'll meet at random coffee Shop:

1. The Regulars: This one comes into the coffee shop as if he owns the place. He'll nod his head at the cashier as if they actually know him, and won't place his order until they ask him. He'll smile and joke with the staff, and look at all the women as if they were in his Harlem. Eventually, he'll walk out waving at the staff, who are totally confused.

2. The Rich Business man: Striped Collared T Shirt, Cargo Shorts and leather belt, fancy socks and sandals. Wallet in hand, thick gold bracelet. Will order the cheapest stuff on the menu, Sip it like scotch for an hour. Yells into his phone which rings constantly with vibrate and a loud ring tone, and most often will say - " I am busy / Don't worry, I will take care of it" Multiple times.Will get up and "unlock his car" with his fancy remote in a manner that all can see from the cafe. 

3. The Wannabe Dude's - Will charge/jump/swing (NEVER WALK) into the coffee shop like a bunch of gun totting gangsters saying something that resembles a rap song with the words " Yaaaaaaah Dudee, But Maccccha, But Duuuuuuude, Ya da, Ya da, Nothing Bugger, Ha ha ha ha" . 4 of them together order one cappuccino, occupy a table for an hour, and decide about which girl told which girl what.

4. The Newly Weds - Order a huge glass of pink beverage, which has two straws (Sheesh!!!) Will mumble jumble something and the lady will giggle, clinking a lot of bangles together, which absolutely don't go with the Jeans-T shirt combo. The guys Mustache all twitching about, will prove very awkward for the people at the next table, as is his desire to prove his masculinity by ordering the most expensive and complicated sounding item from the menu. Of Course, followed by more giggles.

5. The Gadget Guru - Will be seated at a table with the best view, with one cup of complicated looking beverage, and 4 or 5 gadgets, including an I phone, a headphone, a tablet and some random other device. Will not look up once for his entire time at the cafe, and will probably have his laptop charging from the cafes plug point. These guys look very suspicious and are best left alone.

6. The IT Guys: Usually 4 in number, all guys, and will be seated at some random place in the cafe. They are roommates OR work for the same company OR were college mates, but most probably all of the three. They either bitch about their Project Managers / Team Leads / Client / Colleague who went "On-Site" OR talk about getting into IIM Ahmedabad. Conversation will be interspersed with words like " Escalation . Bench . Release. .NET . Night Shift. Vacancy heh kya? "

7. The Gang of Girls: Will usually be there before everyone else and drive the waiter up the wall with the orders. Will prefer drinks with chocolates / syrup / or drinks with umbrellas in them. Colorful handbags, big sunglasses and bling bling ear rings all accompanied by tons of Ooooh's and Aaaaaah's. By the time they're done they would have analyzed every other woman in the cafe, the one guy that all of them like and "share" the bill. The younger the collective age of the gang is, the louder they get. Occasional sing along to the cafe music is possible.

8. The Family: Mummy, Papa , baba and baby are the ones that come in at 5 pm, end up buying "Lays and Cadbury's " for the kids. While mummy runs after the kid all around the cafe, Daddy is trying to drink his coffee in between rapid fire questions from his daughter. Usually ends up with Mummy having to pull out food particles from the Girl's hair, and wiping chocolate of the boy's shirt, and somehow the Parents manage to have a half a drink between them. By the time they leave, one of the kids is crying and the other is probably the reason why.

9. The Dating Couple - Will be very evident the moment you see them. The guy going out of his way to make the girl comfortable, and the girl going out of her way to look impressed. Absurdly, they will try to talk intelligently ,trying hard to look like "friends". Lots of nodding, fidgety fingers and smiles. Guy will look randomly at other guys to see if they're looking at his girl, and the girl will keep playing with the food. Will not hang around for long, and will hold hands when they leave. 

By the way next time your in a coffee shop, be weary of a single guy in a corner with an I phone. It could be me!!!


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