Just Emkaying: Why you no marrying Beta? 3 years later.

Dec 29, 2015

Why you no marrying Beta? 3 years later.

One of the questions I get most often, and many of you who know me on first punch abuse name basis do ask me this - "When are you getting married?" This ranks as the second most popular question I have ever got asked, just a few marks below the more judgmental "Why are you not getting married?" & "What's wrong with you?"

Let me just clear the air for all of you who have similar questions: I don't like the question.

3 years ago, I had to put down my first official conversation on this subject. "Why you no marrying Beta?". This was a testament to how every single guy has to face this question the moment he earns his first salary.

"Welcome to XYZ Corp. As your boss I will introduce you to everyone & the facilities. And here's your advance salary to tide you over for the first 2 weeks. Oh and by the way, your mom wants to talk to you."

Needless to say, I have been lucky to be able to buy time through high quality excuses which may or may not have been entirely true.

"..haan ma, probably next month they will confirm that am going to Dubai for 6 months.."

"...no leave at all. Maybe till next 2 years also.."

"..whole team has gone on leave. I have to manage everything for them.."

But as all single men know (note the evolution from boy to man) you can run away from many Mahindra Scorpio's full of random aunties with Grandmothers-sisters-chachi's-betas-cousin's-husband's-doctor's-veterinary college professor's-brother's-dog's-mother's-owner's-daughter's twitter best friends hand in marriage, but you can't escape...

Ddun Ddun Ddun (Cue lightning, Thunder, Temple bells, 15 close ups of everyone reading this)

Shaadi Dot Com.

And I too friends, have fallen. So tormented was I by this Pseudo Wannabe Shaadi Pandit Chetan Bhagat that I had to literally change the channel and watch something more intellectually stimulating like "The Newshour debate on Rahul Gandhi's vacations plans"whenever the blasted ads played. I call it "The Chetan Bhagat Matrimonial Experience"

I too have had to write inane mission statements like "Wanted Bride for a good cultured family boy, height 5'11, brown eyed, Job in MNC with modern outlook & traditional values and doesn't drink or eat non veg and will love the girl and respect the elders"

It's kind of ridiculous to ask for a bride or groom that will love each other in an arranged marriage. I mean, guys, its an freaking arranged marriage. You can't arrange love as much as Shaadi dot com's absurd promise of making that happen.

And shaadi dot com is such a scam. For two years they never told me that they had hardly any profiles that were broadly even in the area of interest (Jessica Alba / Deepika Padukone). And for two years they kept pitching gold memberships and special 50% off on relationship counsellors and free two piece crispy chicken with ever value meal.

I think the last one was KFC.

I think I should also confess that writing such inane mission statements also helped me avoid meeting any prospective partners. (Win!)

But there comes a time in ones life when things change. When you grow up and achieve those smaller victories, when you no longer have to walk a tight rope to balance professional and personal and can rest assured that you will get your due, and finally after all the struggles and consistency, the local rickshaw guy will finally agree to take you to your office in Chakala without waving you off or charge you more.

Thank you rickshaw bhaiya! (heart smiley santa claus bells claps) 

Anyway, after this monumental development in my life (and a few others) I thought it was about time I had a chat with the familia about the future. After all, we move ahead together right? Parents love their kids right? We are Kaleja ka tukda (Piece of the heart) no? Surely reason and love beats traditions and public options I thought...

I was so, so naive. 

*wipes away a silent tear*

Before I continue, I must mention that certain events over the last 1.5 years have led me to lead my life in a particular way. I dropped a couple of things (like travel and writing) & I chased something that was very important to me and the results thereof has given me a lot of confidence. Seriously, a lot of confidence.

You should see me ask for extra chicken leg piece at KFCs. Such SWAG I tell you.

I took the call to talk to my parents that you know, am doing well, you guys are doing well, but you know, my friends fathers brothers uncle's great grand dad's cousins son believes in a famous Godman who is a very great man and he thinks that these days people should find someone they like and get married and not necessarily into a arranged marriage.

I didn't sleep for a night. 

No really, I didn't sleep for a night. 

Mom's have ESP. They just do. I had told her two days ago casually that I needed to talk to her and that was all it took for her to know. So while I called her after all the back up calls I made to friends and well wishers in the morning, she was not her usual self. She didn't go into long monologues about the Garden or about the weather or about some neighbor's uncle's friends sister got into some ceremony and what not. She was very quick and short with the general chit chat.

My inner conscience was munching on a huge bucket of popcorn, cheese & caramel mix. My entire 30 years of existence flashed before my eyes. I was literally having a whole body in mouth experience, choking me literally.

But let's just say we dived in. With a "What If? " kinda situation. And then I waited.

Ddun Ddun Ddun (Cue lightning, thunder, temple bells, 29 close ups of everyone reading this)

I couldn't find an appropriate meme, this was the funniest I got.
There are also many ways I could have presented this as the second most favorite conversation of 2015. But then am not sure how the year 2016 would fare and I am not ready to jinx it.

(Seriously though, touch some wood right now. All of you.)

All I can let you know right now is the Terms and conditions no longer apply ;)


No its not. Yet.


  1. I am clueless. But I hope Congratulations are due soon :p

    1. Thanks michi :) don't think congratulations are anywhere on the horizon, but in destiny we trust :) (and also lots of wine :P )

  2. This was a hilarious post. You write well. :)