Just Emkaying: The Chetan Bhagat Matrimonial Experience

Jun 30, 2013

The Chetan Bhagat Matrimonial Experience

There are two things on my mind right now. Chetan Bhagat and a certain "matrimonial website"

It's totally fixed,  Sreesanth promise.
Many of my bachelor friends have spent countless hours recalling the nightmares they've had after seeing the Chetan Bhagat Ad showing
a "healthy" guy (suspiciously resembling me) dancing in a high society party to impress this girl he's with. First of all, you're setting the wrong expectations, and I should be able to sue them if I don't get a similar girl. Two, I should be paid to watch Chetan Bhagat Ads. Didn't we pay to read his life stories?

However, finding your "dream partner" online is an intriguing concept, especially the part where they say "Love, arranged by Shaadi.com". Its one of the most amazing ideas I have ever heard of, right after my all time favorite idea of tying myself up with a Hungry Python, lighting myself on fire and jumping in front of a speeding truck in the middle of Western Express Highway.

But since am a fan of such challenges, I did log on to the website, in search of the "dream partner".

Unfortunately, the website has...
1. No Cheerleaders from the US, or Latin Salsa Dancers
2. No Deepika Padukone or Sonam Kapoor
3. No "Likes Fat people" filter either

This is like those "80% OFF MEGA CLEARANCE SALE" where the only thing on 80% off is a size 3, Pink with yellow stripes handkerchief.

Worse, I kept getting prompted by the site to enter more details like "Height", "Weight", "Body type" etc. If I had to really fill in those numbers, I think I'd do better in a matrimonial site for deformed elephants. So I just rounded off the details and put in ball park stuff.

6'2, 70kg, Athletic Muscular build.

But I was just warming up. When I started "searching" for profiles (And if you do this on Facebook they call it stalking, the difference being, here you pay Rs 4000 for it and don't get arrested) I was going to come across the murder of logic as we know it.

Sample this - "I am cute bubbly girl and want good friend who will love me and cherish me and take care of me. I can cook and I like reading, travelling, music and movies" If I add "likes cute puppies, handbags and shoes" you get the general definition of half the population of the country.

Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against the individual's capacity to write (Except that Italian Muggle Orangutan 40 year old Youth leader of ours) but I think the only details the website took into account in its filter was that I was a male.

Is this kind of modern sufficient?
I also discovered another great truth. Like all resumes have the famed "I want to work to the best of my abilities and learn and grow with the company..." type mission statement, All Parents have one too. The Groom should be "From a cultured family with modern outlook and traditional values and respects elders and will love my daughter and will not drink and has good job"

What the hell does that mean?!! How am I supposed to define these things?!!


"Yes, I will be the only guy you will find who will want to marry your daughter AND love her also. The rest are all here on this site to marry people to hate them."

"Here, use my cigarette lighter to light the lamp for Ganapati Bappa's Pooja"

"Let me use my credit card to pay for this, but I will calculate the price of this iPad using Vedic Mathematics, carefully avoiding the Rahu Kalam"

"Yes she can wear Mini Skirt whenever she wants but only in the auspicious time of 3.30 am on Tuesdays on an empty stomach"

"OK sweetheart, am off to touch the feet and take the blessings of the 37 elders in our society and then get a spine replacement."

And every time I go back to the site, I find "matches" "2 way matches" "Reverse Matches" popping out at me trying to make me click something or the other. I am almost sure that the guys who do the coding for this site are the same ones responsible for IIPM topping the IIM's in those surveys they conduct every year.

I am surprised you duped us like this Chetan Bhaiya. Well, guess who's not getting invited to my wedding. Ha.



All material is copyright protected. The above content is based solely on my personal opinions and are meant as satirical take on my experiences. 

No comments:

Post a Comment