Just Emkaying: How to Clean the Kitchen

May 19, 2011

How to Clean the Kitchen

After the oh - so - popular post on How To Clean Your Room , we are back with the next edition on cleanliness ( B-O-R-I-N-G)  for all you lazy Bachelors - "How to Clean the Kitchen"

We do want to warn you though, that if you are planning to get married in the near future, don't try this with the new cutlery. Won't go well with the missus / or the in law's for that matter. And you certainly don't want to let them catch you reading this, so read this like you would read porn. (You Randy Scoundrel, You!!!)

So here goes...

The Crime Scene: A room that is locked owing to terrible stench, of which even the neighbours a mile away complain. On bursting through the door, the eyes first see, the nose first picks up the fumes of a chemical/biological weapons unit and your first reaction is to run. Staring through the yellow purple haze, You find that ants, flies and the big daddy of them all - cockroaches are having a garbage get together. There are packs of pizza, Chinese take out and egg shells around what used to be the dustbin. The Stove is now black, the sink is brimming full of fungus water and there are beer bottles / beer cans / beer kegs / beer holders etc lying around what used to be a floor. Huge King Size Rats (in some cases) Stare at you with their beady eyes. Piles of Garbage Bags filled with Half Eaten Food show signs of bacterial life forms.Obviously you won't be able to see any utensils yet.

(In the event that you haven't been grossed out yet, we suggest you visit our office for a thorough demonstration and a practical session)

The Equipment :

1. Rubber Gloves ( Use and Throw variety)
2. Rubber Boots ( Use and Throw Variety )
3. Old Clothes ( Use and BURN Variety)
4. Detergents, Rat poison, AK 47, Marijuana
5. Garbage Bag / Garbage Truck
5. Friends and Family ( Use and they will never come back variety)
6. Faith and Hope

Pre Procedure Process:

Call for Help, and if you are the rich brat, call a professional. Else, Get Down on your knees and pray. Hard.

Here Goes Hell:

Your First instinct would be to bolt from the place, screw the landlord (not that way). However since majority of us are glorified Excel Jockeys (All you Engineers and MBA's.) and can't afford a "Hit and Run" case against us, you have no option.

1. Stop squealing at the rats and cockroaches ( Yes Ladies, we hate them as much as you do. Its just that killing them is an option we have) and open your eyes. Some of you can get down from the chair as well.

2. Switch on the Exhaust Fan, And liberally Spray a mix of Hit+Kill+Piff Paff and other stuff around the Kitchen. At Least 5 cans. USe the AK 47 on the Rats.

3. What you now need is a big big Broom to sweep all the "dirt" t o one corner of the room. It is advisable to have big Trash Cans (read B-U-C-K-E-T-S) to fill the aforementioned dirt into. Make Sure the windows ( if any) are open and stripped of grills and any kind of blockages.

4. Push all the above cornered dirt into the big trash cans. You can hold your breath at this point of time. Push and Shove as fast as you can and don't worry about the plates, spoons and other stuff going in. They're done for already.

Quickly evac the bags to some unsuspecting location on the street where the garbage guys usually pick up ....the garbage.

5. Moving on to the ultimate Public enemy No.1 - The Sink. In our past trials and experiments, we have found that moving the utensils to larger containers creates MORE CLEANING, which is not the objective. Hence we suggest you use decent amounts of cleaning detergent ( like half a dozen bottles) all over the sink and its contents. Marinate leave the set up for a couple of hours. Then use hi Pressure water to create the "cleaning effect". In the event that the sink is blocked, Use tons of sink De-cloggers failing which you will be stuck with a even more messier Kitchen.  Scrub the utensils using a good scrubber with the rubber gloves 10-15 times on each side, and then repeat. Thrice. Rinse with lots of clean water.

And you though this would be easy.

Once your done with this, we suggest getting down to the scrubbing and re scrubbing of the floor, where food substances would have hardened over the Months/ Years. but then that's the easy part, if you get so far.

Finally, to give it the master touch, a little bit of Air Freshener (OK, lots of it in most cases) would make your Kitchen more ....err Kitchen-y.

Now There ARE Easy ways for you to take care of this easily

1. Get Your Girlfriend to do it. Though we are absolutely sure she's going to drive a very very hard bargain, but then its up to you. However if you had a girlfriend already, you wouldn't be in this spot in the first place (women have OCD when it comes to cleaning. Every Single one of them) and if you were in this spot in spite of having aforementioned girlfriend, then the she's obviously not going to do it.

2. Burn the Kitchen. Claim that there was no Kitchen in the first place when your landlord enquires.

3. Call Rajnikanth

4. Claim the Pakistanis threatened you to harbor terrorists in the Kitchen, and it was all their Fault. (Usually works) Call in US forces and they'll blow the kitchen for you.

Anyways, We hope you have learnt from the Easy steps above, and would learn enough to not have to read this a second time. In the event that you do have to, we suggest you check into the nearest Medical Facility ASAP.

Mail me for any help at wearelazyguys@moronicposts.com

Love - Dr. Doityouself

DISCLAIMER: This Post has been written for us by a Psychotic moron who has nothing to do with the cool, smart owner of this blog. Additionally all experiments were NOT conducted at our Kitchens. We have no connection to any Terrorist Group, or religious Fundamentalists. Any similarities with any ones Kitchen is basically their F*#P up and has nothing to do with this post.

No comments:

Post a Comment