Just Emkaying: The Fitness Mafia and Melissa

Feb 1, 2015

The Fitness Mafia and Melissa

Did you know? 9 out of 10 visitors to this site would have at some point of time considered joining a gym or fitness center to get into better shape.The best part of this whole better shape feeling, is that better shape is subjective, just like Black money is dependent on which side of the Parliament you sit on.

Thin guys want to get bulky, bulky guys want to get sharp, Sharp guys want to get sharper with 6 pack abs, and so on and so forth (or basically Christian Bale in different stages of his acting career). That means, you could walk up to anyone and tell them "Hey, you should hit the gym" and they will ALWAYS agree, because their ideal shape is one that they currently aren't or probably too unrealistic.

I don't know if he knows it, but Christian Bale has a fabulous parallel career option as a Fitness Trainer.

It's also true that the idea of an ideal shape varies based on the movies that the person has seen last. For example after Rocky 3, I decided to get into muscle-bulging-out-of-clothes type shape, that lasted for about 2 days after I did "weights". After Rocky 4, I realized that I was never going to be at that shape when I'm 40. After Rocky 5, I gave up watching Sylvester Stallone movies because that guy's crazy and went back to eating.

There's a also a very predictable timeline in the "getting into shape" table. Every January, the annual migration of thousands of  jiggly bellies and flabby arms takes place, as they move across the treacherous rivers of fast food and cola, and into the Fitness centers who welcome these fresh game with open air-conditioned arms.

If you ever noticed (or turned a blind eye to), the fitness centers make maximum loses in the month of January. Why? Well in January, the most number of registrations take place because everyone is under the delusional impression that the New Year is going to be different, aka better than the last year just because a calendar date has changed. And therefore, the first month of the year, is THE time to make a change, and what is the most common way to improve your health ? - Beer running on a stationary treadmill in a room full of sweaty people of course!

But come February, and the Fitness center owns start rubbing their hands in glee. Because they know that the migration is over, the will defeated and that from now on know they'll be cashing in all the 6 month and yearly plans that people signed up for, without them ever using it.

I'd imagine the mind - line of a regular guy somewhat like this:

Week 1: *cue Rocky theme song* This is it. This is my year. Total Sexy feeling am getting. Run boy Run, flex those muscles, make some honey, that chick is totally staring at you, oh wait she's complaining now. She looks cute, just like in the video I recorded of her. Keep running.

Week 2: *cue Eye of the Tiger* Awesome 2 weeks. Look at my 6 pack abs waiting to burst. Damn why didn't I do this before. Oh girl is doing the treadmill. The one next to her is empty, perfect. This is a sign from the Universe. Wonder if our kids will be more like me or her.

Week 3: Wow what a great start. I think I shouldn't push myself too far and burnout though. Google says one must rest muscles. Web MD also says Wine is good for the heart and beer for the hair. Poor girl will have to do without me today. Love is tough business, she should get used to the fact that I'm not some insecure guy who.... wait why does she wear yoga pants? Should get her some lose Pajamas, those bastard weight lifters are lechers.

Week 4: It's the month end. Wow Good start to the year. Yeah I know I missed a few but in the larger picture It's brilliant. I should start fresh from February. My gym girl friend will be totally into me, this distance must have her longing like crazy, ha ha you cunning charmer you!

Week 5: Monday's I just can't get started, the mornings are too cold, I'll start from evenings instead.

Week 5 (Evening): Shit its 8pm. Time for Big Boss Finals. I can always go to the gym, but Big Boss is just for a few days. And its already too late, maybe I should just focus on hi energy workouts in the weekend. That way I can spend more quality time with Melissa (pretty sure the gym girl is a Melissa, I just know it, today my astrology said was a day for romance, and at the start of Rahu Kalam I got an email from a Lisa to me. Get it?)

Week 6: Its rather unfair that I have to go to Gym on the weekend, its the only time I get to relax. I need to figure this out. Melissa needs to find some other way to get my heart or we will have to go separate ways. Poor girl.

Week 7: This Gym sucks man. It's always full and without a personal trainer its of no use. I think I should just spend some time focusing on other things and then sign up fresh with a personal Trainer. Melissa is nowhere to be seen, must be heart broken and avoiding me.

Week 8: "Hey dude, hows the gym?", "Gym and all is of no use without diet control bro, am working on that now. Gym shym and all is not necessary"

I see you all nodding your head in agreement. This is precisely why I believe that the Fitness centers and Gymnasiums are no longer an Industry.

IT's A FREAKING GYM MAFIA. Our very own Treadmills of Wasseypur, The wicked Dumbbells of Narnia, the Saruman of Cross Trainers, the Para-cycle Activity, Kabhi Sweaty Kabhi Bummed and so on.


So today, I urge you not to fall to this mafia. New Year Resolutions are for the brainless minions chasing shapes. As the famous saying goes, even round / apple / blob is a shape. And all shapes are beautiful*.

Of course in this day and age its easier to lose weight using the simplest of tools - Adobe Photoshop.

Poor Melissa.


1 comment:

  1. I admired your helpful words. Top class contribution. I really hope you’ll write more. I'll continue looking for.
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