Just Emkaying: The one with Divorce, Love and Relationships

Apr 3, 2016

The one with Divorce, Love and Relationships

If I were a popular content writer like some of the people at Thought Catalog, I'd have named this "16 signs that you shouldn't rush into marriage" and then follow that up with something like "16 reasons you should not listen to any advice about marriage". But I thought, why not? It shouldn't be that difficult to write a generic, feel - good, post about things I have no experience about.

Even though I had some brilliant  pointers like "Does she know which level of Assassin's Creed you are on?" and "Dump him if he forgets the number of dresses you have", I gave it up in the quest of a more serious topic of conversation, given that seems to be how my mind has been roaming around of late.

In the last post I wrote about how we never think about the most guaranteed of all events - death. Similarly, another worst case scenario (or is it?) of late seems to be the equivalent of death of formal relationships - divorce. Please do excuse my terminology in this post, I don't think any manner of terming it would be justified to everyone, so just go with it.

I've always been pro divorce. Before you collectively gasp and pick up your anti-national & anti-cultural placards and black ink, hear me out. About 8 years ago, I first realised the impact a divorce can have on a family - in this case a possible positive one. A friend's relative was married to a guy who revealed to her that he was gay after they got married and her life had become living hell. No matter who she confided in, she was told to "make it work" and "it would get better" and all the while the guy had no intention of either coming out with the truth or of relieving her of her misery. She was quite young and her whole life was ahead of her, but "divorce" was not an option.

Why you ask? Because culture. Because society. Because "What would people say?". Because her parents would lose face. Because she must be doing something wrong. Because she brought the evil eye with her. I don't know what happened eventually, but the questions in my head were - Why not get a divorce? Lying, Cheating, Fraud, etc were more than enough reasons, but what about "fuck society, she's my daughter " or "how will she be happy with these people" or at least "this is not even a marriage!"

Over the years, I've seen a few divorces in my extended family and in my circle of friends. It's been for a multitude of reasons and I don't think I or anyone could justify them as right or wrong. But I for one have always been supportive of divorce when two people who should be in love with each other, no longer are. Or when there's harassment, violence, dowry, etc involved. There is no shame when you separate from a person who does more harm to you than good, either mentally or physically. When it comes to infidelity, that again is a no brainer, but I understand that people have their own ways of dealing with these kind of things.

That being said, in the last two years things have changed drastically. Am seeing divorces being considered as the easiest option, the opening gambit to any problem. It's quite surprising how quickly people are willing to throw in the towel and let go. Am sure you have read the post on why modern relationships fail so often. If not, please do and see if it rings a bell.

It's never been more difficult to understand love than it is this day and age when all it takes is a push of a button to "connect" and it's not surprising that you'd expect to disconnect just as easily. But that's not what relationships are like. That's not the way I see relationships building into something concrete. I'd like to believe that expectations are often not in line with reality. It's difficult to admit to ourselves that we are not sure of what we are doing, because it's easier to just "be in the moment" and not take responsibility of our own lives and actions.

Relationships need time, investment and a desire to be part of something beautiful, meaningful. Do the silences make just as much sense as the laughter? Are the fights just as passionate as the love making? Is there consistency in the madness and honesty? If you don't know, that's okay. If you know that you don't know, that's even better. If you know then you've got a direction. Where I see people struggle is right at the start.

Are relationships about two of a kind?
And to add to the confusion, there's all the analogies and the theories. People say that if you have similar personalities, then you'll be happy. Then they said, opposites attract. I actually think that people with complementary personalities (a combination of both of the above) have a really good chance. But irrespective, it's not going to happen by itself now is it?

All I can say is that the relationships that really work, are the ones where you are honest with each other, know each other's flaws, weaknesses, vices (as cliche as that sounds) and are okay with that. That's important. You should know the stuff you hate about each other or you're setting yourself up for disaster. I've seen romance turn to dust in a day, and see love blossom out of nothing, turning into one of strongest relationships I know. If I was asked back then if these people would ever go together, using the above mentioned theories, I'd have said they have very little chance.

It reminds me of a line from Coldplay's "Fix You" - When you get what you want, but not what you need.

May we all get what we need.