Just Emkaying: An Open Letter to all Open Letterers

Dec 16, 2014

An Open Letter to all Open Letterers

Dear open letterer, and open letter Fanboi's,

A long long long time ago, in a faraway galaxy (Goregaon East, probably) one girl dared to write the world's first open letter on the internet. Before the rise of common sense of this age, it came as a shock to many that a girl would dare and venture to do something as brash as voice her opinion, and that too about a boy. 

*collective gasp*  

However, and you may not know this, but I consider "An open letter to a Delhi Boy" and its subsequent replies to be one of the most interesting moments of internet literature that I have ever read. The outrage, counter letters, postcards and general talk has been a revelation into how jobless and racist people really are. If only the letter had some sprinkles of saffron in it, or claimed that we had actually landed in the moon a long time ago circa Ramayana, it might as well have become a contender for a nationalist letter of sorts in the current government. 

Anyways, 3 years hence, the internet is abuzz with thousands of open letters today:

An open letter to my Dhobi. 
An open letter to the rickshaw driver who did not agree to drop me to Chakala.
An open letter to the Prime minister about my neighbor who makes fried dry fish on Sunday noon that stinks so bad that you should ask them to build our next generation of toxic chemical weaponry. 

Any person who is any person worth his QWERTY Keyboard + Facebook post has written an open letter, each letter vying for its share of the social media glory. I mean who wouldn't want to value their human lives in likes and shares?

It is therefore not surprising that YOU, dear open letterer would obviously resort to an open letter as a means of revolt and general displeasure to anything ranging from poor water supply to Ramdev Baba's soft porn yoga moves. It's a different thing that you do not see the need to do anything about it yourself, and find it apt to put it out there on the internet to see who would take the bait.

*Open Letter to my maid who forgot to put the garbage out.*

These mass open letterers are the same people who would not think twice while giving up their Facebook id and password to watch a non existent video titled "OH MY GOD YOU WONT BELIEVE A GIANT SHARK EATS A NAKED LADY IN MID AIR ". Post which the aforementioned site proceeds to spam all of your friends with ads for Kent RO Water Purifier (The one where Hema Malini just repeats the same thing for years and mind fucks the water into purifying itself) or expensive iphone 6 card boxes from Snapdeal.com 

I mean seriously, open letters? Did you ever even write an actual one on paper? The good old way of taking time to pen down your thoughts, and not the verbal deluge of bullshit that it has become today? 

But enough is enough. 

*drum roll*

As the self appointed representative of  the people of Mumbai (or the allied states of Andheri, Malad, Ghatkopar and the union territories of Bandra & Colaba) I, in my innate wisdom have decided that this open letter has to be written to ban all open letters. Enough is enough. For long have we suffered the pain of poor language in the guise of a rant. For long have we had to watch idiots write open letters to random people like Obama to help a leopard in Sanjay Gandhi National park. 

*You think he is bloody zookeeper of America or wat?*

I demand that henceforth , you will stop this open letter nonsense, and instead re word your titles to more appropriate headings, like "Man I really need to crib about these people" or "Why the hell do I get pimples on date night" and "How to promote a movie by raising controversy" etc. I also hope that you will encourage your immediate fellows to do the same, and to refrain from using the hideous "Open Letter".

If you fail to do so...