Some more business jargons explained

This is a add on to a Sales jargon explanation I had given some time back on Daily Mirror. It was titled Sales Fundas

  Considering that the recession has hit and many are trying to make head and tail of what they hear and are asked to do, I believed it was my moral duty to continue on explaining these jargon's for the common man. So here goes

Dedication

A behaviour expected from a employee whereby

he works 36 hours a day to achieve a target which the whole company together believes cannot be achieved. ( which they will not tell you, of course!!!)

Strategic planning

A piece of paper where you right down how you are going to fool your clients in to giving you absurd amounts of business and convince them to pay  more for it as well.

Cost cutting

A scientific procedure where the company tries to reduce expenses and thereby increase profits. This can be calculated using the following formula

Cost savings = No coffee/tea expenses + No travelling expenses + no stationary expenses

Cost cutting = [(YOUR Salary - Cost Savings) - YOUR Incentive - YOUR allowances] + more work + more time spent + more pressure

Downsizing

A weekly activity where the management sitting in Air conditioned halls for 7 hours, complete with state of the art electronic equipment, in cosy la' italia' spine support customised cushion chairs, discussing the early morning golf game, decide that people down the line are not spending enough time working. And thereby remove people other than themselves from their jobs. 

Market share

The percentage of the market that will buy your product, after you increase the price ten fold and make it available only in pack of 100's

Return on investment

An excel sheet that will explain that though the client is loosing money by dealing with you, and that he should probably be throwing you out his office window immediately (he threw you thru the door the last time) it is in his interest to continue as your client and "invest " (pronounced L-
O-S-E) money which he doesn't have and "expect" ( pronounced D-O-O-M-E-D) a guaranteed amount of money ( -3) as an interest in about 3 or 4 decades....

.....by the time which he would have closed down anyway.

and finally

Productivity/Efficiency

A plot by the upper management into get you to double your efforts, work longer hours, take no breaks, no holidays, no vacations, no overtime allowances,for the same salary or less whereby increasing your "productivity"(pronounced S-L-A-V-E-R-Y) and filling the companies pockets.

PS ( the post is in good humor. Any resemblence to working conditions in any organisation, in any country is purely incidental (HA!) and has not been financed/planned/encouraged by me!!!)

Have a rocking weekend

Cheers!!!

MadDy