Just Emkaying: When Amazon & Flipkart could not fix what Gillette had done.

Feb 11, 2016

When Amazon & Flipkart could not fix what Gillette had done.

It was near midnight and my eyes had starting going red. I spend a lot of time looking at screens but this was an all new experience. As I switched from browser to browser and site to site, a eerie emptiness started to fill my insides. I was good at this, yet what I was desperately looking for was eluding me. Amazon, Flipkart and every other known site in the world that sold toothpicks to SUV's had been searched through with every possible keyword, and yet as the clock ticked on, minute by minute the desperation was just getting higher and higher.

The clock struck 1 am, and a bead of sweat trickled down my forehead. The whirring of the rented AC played chords to the rapid typing on the keyboard and the click of the mouse. With each scroll of the mouse, my misery worsened.

*tick tock tick tock tick tock*

Would I ever find....

*clickety clackety clickety clack*

...a rapid beard growth cream?

*ddun ddun ddun*


That fateful morning, as I strode into office looking forward to a sumptuous meal of half an Idli, 2 spoons of coffee and my 3 daily compliments of "hey you've lost weight", the security guard gave me a peculiar look. Now am not judgemental and all that, and any attention is always good, so I was quite appreciative of said person's appreciation. With a beaming smile and Coldplay in my head, strumming my Air Guitar and my philosophical drums, I walked on to the floor with an air of confidence that could only be second to Rahul Gandhi's when he gives his famous ZeroIQ  speeches.

I was oh so, so wrong.

The first woman who saw me, after some contemplation, cautiously ventured "Hmmm. It's good, but not really great."

I now know that that was the best I was to hear that whole day. 

This was followed up by the below comments, all from women:


"Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha,,,,,(coughing)  New look?"


"Hey Hi! Whats up...HAPPENED??"

"This is not looking good"

"Blank Stares"

"OMG What Happened?"

"No, this does not work. NEVER EVER again"

"Arrre?!! Why?"


"Hahahahahahahahahahaha. (wipes away tears) It's cool, don't worry."

Now, am not one to exaggerate (a lot) but this was not what I was expecting. The reaction, to put it mildly, to the loss of facial hair was exponentially greater than the whole campaign that Gillette ran trying to get Movember to end.

Of course, the 2 men folk who dared to comment had the below gems to share:

"Oh! so you shaved."


No, my beard just shed off in the Winter.

Needless to say, I was totally taken aback calm about this whole thing, until I realised that I have had a beard for almost a year now, in some form or the other, and I had suddenly become a living example of this famous meme.

Now, the problem is that no one ever (EVER) told me that the beard was cool. No one. Zilch.

What is a guy to do, eh?

Growing a beard is easy. You just let it grow normally. Just don't shave and it just happens by itself. Right?

NO. It's not a freaking creeper that just grows like a face carpet.

A beard is a responsibility. It's a statement. It's your pride and your ego. And all those other things that those guys in leather jackets say it is. But more importantly, it is effort (which I hate).

You need to get over the mid 2 week phase where it's not exactly stubble, not yet beard and get over the damn itchy, irritating feeling while looking like you've just got dumped and lost a job.

Then you have to wait for it to reach a respectable length so that the machines and tools can work on them and give them some shape.(which only you notice)

Then you have to pray that once they grow out they don't look like its a frizzy concoction of an age old broom. If it does (and mostly it does) you need to buy expensive meaningless products that do about 5% of the job they claim to do at 400% of the price they ask you to pay for it. (Am looking at you Ustraa.)

Once this is all done, then you go to a good barber to get those sharp cuts and finishing touches. You make decisions and choose what kind of crop, what kind of moustache, do you twirl? do you not twirl? Do you bend it like Butler? or do you medium fry it all around?

All the while your stylist / barber is trying to sell you some damn spa treatment and purple hair streaks.

Then you wash it, feed it, keep stroking it and twirling it till finally. One day, it all comes together.

A Glorious, Magnificent Beard.

(Note: If you like his beard, tell him. For the love of God. Tell him. Please. They'll be forever indebted and will place you on the highest* pedestal of life.) 

*terms and conditions apply

And all this changed one fine day, when I fell to the wily guise of Gillette.

As the gleaming Mach- WhatEverNumberIsRunningNow came into my hands.

Beard is so historic they said.

Smooth is sharp they said.

Clean Shaved embodies confidence they said.

Ooooooh clean shaved hunk! (I don't know who said that, but some one must have)

Dravid (Namma Bengaluru 'heart' 'smiley') = Gillette they said.

Lies. All Lies. 

Today, as I recover from the results of this massive change, let down by my beloved Flipkart & Amazon, I long to stroke my beard thoughtfully on how to solve major world issues that no one has ever solved.

What's the cheat to eat pizza on diet?

But as the wise old guy in Versova said 2 minutes ago - "Once shaven, twice shy."

Mr.Beard will be back.

*ddun dun dun dun.*

*strokes phantom beard*


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