Just Emkaying: June 2013

Jun 30, 2013

The Chetan Bhagat Matrimonial Experience

There are two things on my mind right now. Chetan Bhagat and a certain "matrimonial website"

It's totally fixed,  Sreesanth promise.
Many of my bachelor friends have spent countless hours recalling the nightmares they've had after seeing the Chetan Bhagat Ad showing
a "healthy" guy (suspiciously resembling me) dancing in a high society party to impress this girl he's with. First of all, you're setting the wrong expectations, and I should be able to sue them if I don't get a similar girl. Two, I should be paid to watch Chetan Bhagat Ads. Didn't we pay to read his life stories?

However, finding your "dream partner" online is an intriguing concept, especially the part where they say "Love, arranged by Shaadi.com". Its one of the most amazing ideas I have ever heard of, right after my all time favorite idea of tying myself up with a Hungry Python, lighting myself on fire and jumping in front of a speeding truck in the middle of Western Express Highway.

But since am a fan of such challenges, I did log on to the website, in search of the "dream partner".

Unfortunately, the website has...
1. No Cheerleaders from the US, or Latin Salsa Dancers
2. No Deepika Padukone or Sonam Kapoor
3. No "Likes Fat people" filter either

This is like those "80% OFF MEGA CLEARANCE SALE" where the only thing on 80% off is a size 3, Pink with yellow stripes handkerchief.

Worse, I kept getting prompted by the site to enter more details like "Height", "Weight", "Body type" etc. If I had to really fill in those numbers, I think I'd do better in a matrimonial site for deformed elephants. So I just rounded off the details and put in ball park stuff.

6'2, 70kg, Athletic Muscular build.

But I was just warming up. When I started "searching" for profiles (And if you do this on Facebook they call it stalking, the difference being, here you pay Rs 4000 for it and don't get arrested) I was going to come across the murder of logic as we know it.

Sample this - "I am cute bubbly girl and want good friend who will love me and cherish me and take care of me. I can cook and I like reading, travelling, music and movies" If I add "likes cute puppies, handbags and shoes" you get the general definition of half the population of the country.

Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against the individual's capacity to write (Except that Italian Muggle Orangutan 40 year old Youth leader of ours) but I think the only details the website took into account in its filter was that I was a male.

Is this kind of modern sufficient?
I also discovered another great truth. Like all resumes have the famed "I want to work to the best of my abilities and learn and grow with the company..." type mission statement, All Parents have one too. The Groom should be "From a cultured family with modern outlook and traditional values and respects elders and will love my daughter and will not drink and has good job"

What the hell does that mean?!! How am I supposed to define these things?!!


"Yes, I will be the only guy you will find who will want to marry your daughter AND love her also. The rest are all here on this site to marry people to hate them."

"Here, use my cigarette lighter to light the lamp for Ganapati Bappa's Pooja"

"Let me use my credit card to pay for this, but I will calculate the price of this iPad using Vedic Mathematics, carefully avoiding the Rahu Kalam"

"Yes she can wear Mini Skirt whenever she wants but only in the auspicious time of 3.30 am on Tuesdays on an empty stomach"

"OK sweetheart, am off to touch the feet and take the blessings of the 37 elders in our society and then get a spine replacement."

And every time I go back to the site, I find "matches" "2 way matches" "Reverse Matches" popping out at me trying to make me click something or the other. I am almost sure that the guys who do the coding for this site are the same ones responsible for IIPM topping the IIM's in those surveys they conduct every year.

I am surprised you duped us like this Chetan Bhaiya. Well, guess who's not getting invited to my wedding. Ha.



All material is copyright protected. The above content is based solely on my personal opinions and are meant as satirical take on my experiences. 

Jun 15, 2013

Man who hates steel - Movie review

Am coming out fresh from a viewing of the most awaited, hyped Christopher Nolan's "Man of Steel" with a new superman, a new theme and a new, well not so original but nonetheless different title.

Fan boys of Nolan can stop reading now. I know how you are going to feel, because as an Apple Fan Boy I know how it feels when people make these critical remarks on Apple. Of course I just laugh it off and come home and stick needles in my voodoo dolls (I have quite a collection). But then that's me.

And to make things clear, I like Nolan movies.

So ready or not here it comes. (SPOILERS AHEAD)

I rated the movie 5 star out of 10 on IMDB. Basically because it doesn't give me an option to have negative ratings, and I haven't rated movie lower than 6 yet. Also before I explain my views, let me give you an idea of how I watch movies.

Hollywood Action - Popcorn and Coke
Hollywood Comedy - No Popcorn and Coke, owing to expected laughter and hence spillage
Hollywood Romance - Expect Skin Show
Bollywood Action - Expect Cars blowing up
Bollywood Romance - Hope no one shows skin
Bollywood Comedy - Leave brains at home
Jackie Bhagnani  Movie - Stay at home

Man of Steel for the first 25 minutes is interesting. It's a nice plot and intriguing. Then it goes all haywire to some damned planet trying to save itself, and Star Trek like stuff and then there's an evil villain who looks like a square Stone Cold Steven Austin, swearing revenge like some South Indian villain. At this point, I am still interested.

Cut to super hero child hood, miracle miracle, self doubt and life and blah blah. The problem with this part, and I'd expect it to be the most strongest character part is that its in too little bits and pieces and is just irritating. Lame dialogues add to the misery. At this point am looking for food.
I am Man of Steel. I thrash Buildings.

Lois Lane plays a nice cameo as a Tough-Smart-Ass-Media-Bitch-Sunny Leone type thing before turning into a good girl with a hint of warm Apple pie. Melts at the mere mention of Superman's sad confused life story. Stupid. At this point am checking out the crowd.

Add a generous helping of flying objects, 70% of crashing buildings and more buildings falling, burning buildings, buildings making out with other buildings etc. In this chaos, villains henchmen (in G I Joe costume, no less) fight Superman in the streets of the city. All the while, yes you guessed it, more thrashing buildings, cars, shops, trucks etc with no concern or thought to people IN THOSE BUILDINGS. We know they are sets, but at least act like they're not. I think it should have been named "Man who hates Steel Buildings". At this point am suicidal.

The only difference is that the Army, FBI, CIA, IA, Special Ops, Navy Seals, Marines, SWAT, etc are NOT shown as the only answer to world problems. In fact, they are almost friendly and defer to Superman. (WHAT THE FUCK is wrong with these people?!!!)

Enter villain. And Giant Flying object with pathetic name. Add more crashing buildings, yada yada yada, fight fight, superman does some self belief course, beats the bad machine, and finally a long one on one with the villain, who he kills by twisting the neck in the last minutes. (Note: Superman almost destroyed the city fighting villain henchmen by bashing them with other stuff)

Finally, Superman gets a job at the media agency that Lois Lane works in. Clark Kent. Tadaaaah!!!


But its a great movie if you are in the architecture business or like watching buildings blowing up and all that. Also, the Sunny Leone comment above was a joke. Don't go to watch the movie expecting that. Ain't happening.

There's this hilarious part of Superman's Costume as well, but whatever.

Of course Henry Cavill makes a better superman. But that's about it. Give me Wolverine and Dark Knight any day.

Please go watch the movie. Am sure some part of you will still want to watch it. Let me know how it went in the comments below.


Jun 14, 2013

People and Mannequins

It's been a long time, this time around. Apart from my vast life changing experiences with a large number of random auto rickshaw drivers, and of late, marathi-spewing-change-demanding bus conductors, I don't see anything that has drastically made a dent in my parallel conscious. Until Now.

Part of my job includes meeting different people to understand why they do what they do (vague enough to avoid complications) any way, sometimes conversations get a tad too personal and you can't just walk out of there. You just nod and listen and mumble something, or your stomach does it for you. But Not me.

I have this weird "keeda" of putting my nose in other peoples problems and issues. It's like this non retractable poking mechanism, that once poked doesn't come out unharmed. So you start telling me your sob stories, and I'll make you wanna say more. I'll just listen and listen and listen, and your every being will want to say more till your all dried out. Let's just say I am blessed with those special facial features, like Oprah's eyebrows.

Did I mention butterflies? Yes, my attention span that is. So sometimes midst all these chaotic things, I zone out in to a different world. A world of what if's and why's. What if I had not left Bahrain? What if I had kept in touch with all my cool childhood friends? What if Obama was White?

In one such recent instance, I was browsing through Facebook after ages, stalking good looking people and old friends (not connected) when I saw marriage wishes, and travel schedules and photos, and private jokes. Liked by 30 people of whom 20 I know, yet I couldn't really say I knew them. I so wanted to, but it was just not possible. It was in the past.

Have you ever been one of those kids in school - when everyone's talking in a group and you're the one who enthusiastically nods your head in all directions but have no clue whats really happening? Or the kids who joins a gang of cool people to play a prank and ends being caught but having no clue in reality?

Funny how things end up. One person gets displaced as if its required and then you just sit there and wait. Much like our Advani ji. Poor fellow.

Twitter has been a buzz with all kinds of outrage. I mean what else does Twitter do anyway. I mean you either outrage or hit on people. And then in other news iOS7 came out, which was cool. Finally they do something that everyone has already done and pretend that no one knows about it.

One of India's most popular Mannequins
I also don't get this Arnab Goswami's perpetual problem with everything. He has to, and I mean absolutely has to pick on someone every day or he just can't sleep. I hope he doesn't do this in real life too. Could you imagine Arnab getting all riled up at a mannequin in women's undergarments? In Shoppers Stop?

"THE NATION NEEDS TO KNOW, WHY IS THIS MANNEQUIN WEARING UNDERGARMENTS? WHO IS BEHIND THIS SCHEME? WHAT IS THE GOVERNMENT HIDING? TONIGHT ON THE NEWSHOUR..." and then he'd call in his expert panel of 3 play schoolers,  a blind cat, a washing machine and a sock. And never let them speak.

Sigh. This post is just so random. I need to get off twitter. Am almost beginning to feel disturbed at these facebookiyas.