Just Emkaying: March 2013

Mar 19, 2013

Is this the phone 6 ?

Recently Samsung launched its eye-blink-scroll technique Samsung S4. I would have rather blinked my eyes for better benefits, but no ones listening. While you would have already seen the Phone 5 these phones don't really have something that will blow your mind. I mean big camera, lost of pixels, some fancy eye scroll thingy, thin design, the usual. That's what every one does.

But let me know introduce to you the most awesomest technology masterpiece ever. I have a friend who has a friend who's aunt's cousins sister-in-laws third brother's grandfathers daughters veterinarian has a guy who (once cleaned his car) knows this truck driver that happened to park in front of the Appl Store and overheard something about Eye 6. So this is totally reliable proof of the existence of this device. (By Chinese standards)

Now that we have the reliability of this information out of the way let me give you a quick peep into the features of this beauty, code named Project BJ

Measuring a mere 7.6 mm thick (About 3 cupboards smaller than the first telephone) this device has a Retina Display that is about 2000 pixels per inch. Your photos will never look so much brighter, the micro scars from the black head you squeezed out a month ago ever so clear again. Also included is the Large Screen that measures 4 inches but it looks like 10 inches when held next to a mirror. There is an inbuilt app that enables you to mirror the image in the mirror, so your screen is actually infinitely large. So it depends on how big your mirror actually is. (You can also choose to buy the iMirror at the online store)

The Processor is a 1.7 Ghz dual core processor that is super fast. Playing Temple Run (Part 21) and Angry Birds - Part 7-but-still-throwing-birds-at-pigswill never be the same.  It comes with the latest 6G LTE built in, so you can experience internet like never before (Actually it never will be like before as we always ensure that we have technology thats better and faster than your country carrier can ever provide you, and when they do, we'd already be on 27G or something. Awesome, no?)

On the back of the iPhone we have an AMAZING 12 mega pixel Camera Holder for our awesome iCamera (sold separately). We believe that you need a truly amazing camera experience, and we have created a unique device that can beat even the best DSLR's in the market. (Head over to our store now!!!)

But the beauty of this device is in the iOS. Introducing Version 7. Siri now has options for Sheela, Munni, Lola Kutty, Chandler, Yoko, MJ and also Grumpy Cat. Twitter has been integrated in, so no matter what you are doing, the twitter app posts a tweet on your behalf. It's so smart, you don't even have to tell it what to tweet. It picks up your location, labels it as per the frequency of your visit, the microphone picks up the sound and then posts it as per the number of times you touched the phone. (Imagine never having to type a tweet from the Loo!!!)

Some unique features include

1. Close your eyes when you sleep. When you open them, the screen will already be on!!!
2. It detects when you are out of your regular network coverage and completely shuts down all cellular data, saving you millions in telephone bills
3. App Store - We've been counting on this since the first iPhone. Like 6 years ago. Still will for the next few. We are that consistent.
4. iCloud - Sync your apple devices to the cloud and have your ipad, ipad mini, ipad micro, itouch, ifeel, ipod, iwatch, ifridge, imac, ipack, isofa, i.... AND HAVE ALL THE SAME STUFF ON IT. EVERY TIME.  LIKE FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. Awesome, no?
5. Customizable screens - You can now move around your apps all over the screen!!! In different formations of 4*4, 4*4 and 4*4!!!

More than 76,003 features and updates included. It's available in 16GB, 32GB and 64GB. (Please note, iOS takes up about 15.8 GB)

All this awesomeness, at a price of just 2 kidneys and one spleen. Special offers running now where you can pay with one kidney, and installments of 5 fingers / Toes / Eyeballs / Liver every month.

Grab it now. It's the best thing that happened to IPhone since the Industrial Revolution.

Follow up post coming soon.


Mar 17, 2013

The Oscars and Vada Pav

This is one of those posts that is being written because my counters says I haven't written anything in March. But unlike Zero Dark Thirty or Lincoln, won't be nominated for an Oscar because it doesn't have EPIC characters like Osama bin laden or that legendary fellow on the Dollar. Both movies establishing the glory of the same nation has of course, as in all disclaimers, nothing to do with the Oscar nominations.

Also ever since Jennifer Lawrence has won the Oscar, I have shifted loyalties from Mila Kunis to Jenni Baby. So "Bure Nazar wale thera muh Kamal R Khan" Stay away or I shall unleash the Farmville and Mafia wars invites on you.

This year I caught the Oscars in the evening. I've reached that age where you don't really give a shit about anything that does not directly affect you. Like Elections.However, the real reason I watched the Oscars in the first place was to see which movie would bag the Oscar, and then accordingly change my opinions on the movies that were nominated. Hence this post is suitably delayed.

I recently got asked if Lincoln won the Oscar. I said yes. The person promptly went on to say that it was great movie and it was no surprise that it bagged both the Academy awards and the Oscars. If I wasn't for the Vada Pav in my hand..... Lucky weapons aren't sold in supermarkets in India. (Idea #3763 Hathyaar bazaar, bandook ke saath bullet free - Kishore Biyani, please note)

Speaking of Vada Pav. Am sure ANYONE, who has had a Vada Pav in Mumbai, will know that while the Vada can be replaceable with Samosa, Podi, etc, the PAV CANNOT BE REPLACED BY A BUN.

Repeat, A POTATO CUTLET IN A BUN/BREAD/ROLL IS NOT VADA PAV. And people who go ga ga about this Terrorist, Infiltrating, Infidel food item are the same ones who ask for Dum Biryani at Legacy of China. Buhledy Food Rapists.

The Pav is an exquisite piece of Indian bread that's meant specially for gastronomical delights like Burji, Chai and Vada Pav. Please don't desecrate the sanctity of this marvel of palette engineering by supporting fraud examples. Would you ever go to a "Inkaar" or a "I, me aur main" and expect facial expressions from John or Rampal? No right? ( I mean, how can you expect the impossible, overkill I guess) So please, I know you love your "Potato-cutlet-bun" but if its not a Pav, its just not.

In other news, India is planning a ban on all Italian food items and restaurants. Well at least Kerala is probably. I mean, I know they treat this country like it belongs to their daughter or something, but hey, who sends under-trials TO ANOTHER COUNTRY FOR HOLIDAYS? Mercy and goodwill ? They Shot 2 of your citizens you nutcases!!! That ways you should have sent Kasab home for Eid no? So, in line with this thought, all Pizzerias now become Pitja-da-dhaaba and all "Italiano Cuisine" become "Eat-all-no-Kissing". Okay?

Parting note, I vote for Vada Pav as the national snack. Right behind Onion Uthappa.