Just Emkaying: November 2011

Nov 16, 2011

Loss and Gain

So, I never thought I'd be on a back to back flop show, as much as I would have hoped it would have one positive. I think the last 1.5 years have been the most eventful in my life.

I would love to say this in poem format, but then theres (no apostrophe #INYOURFACE) nothing left to hide. For the first time in my life, I told a person that am crazy about her and got a "no" back. Much better than having a "no" without saying it. That too, just a few months ago I was riled with heartbreak with no closure.(Read previous post here)

And what fun it is, knowing that there are so many undercurrents. Boy like girl. Girl don't know. Girl likes someone else. Gets married to someone else. In between Guy likes someone else. Some one else already in something else. And then someone else likes someone else. And, wait WHAT? *camera pans out* *repeat still-shot thrice in Eastman color* *sad music*

Yep, Ekta Kapoor stole it from me.

So now, where were we?

Ah, telling something to someone. Surprisingly, I haven't lost a drop of my Louuuuuuve. But now its directed at a good buddy. Not a dime less, just more.I feel the just the same, but more happier and more clear. I seem to have gained a lot lot more.

Of course there's nothing wrong in still harboring hope :P

As mentioned elsewhere,things will get better and for everything and anything the lame guy is always there. #beforeIturnawesome

Cheers Buddy!!!


PS: Ab tho comment kar.

Bye Bye Letter

Though this would be published well after it is due, it's been on my mind for quite some time. You see, most of the important things have a place in history. Or timeline as Facebook would want us to call it. But the point is, I have either managed to keep it away from you, or been incompetent to let you know by way of my actions.I have additional conspiracy theories, having to do with world domination, leather pants and others, but lets not go there.

Apart from my naivety with love as it is with women, you have managed to remain an enigma even to date. Your smile still makes me smile, your chit chats still keep me guessing, and your sense of confusion at your own simplicity/complexity amuses me. Our first conversation had to do with a certain kind of snack (divine intervention?) ,Of course I remember what it was that you said, as surely as I know that you wouldn't have a clue. Recalling it here, would be a complete giveaway nonetheless.

When I fell for you, what made it difficult was, that it was within the walls of a corporate environment I had just joined, and away from the support system that I had so carefully built around me. You see, its not like its not happened before, but past failures only made me more determined, and then you happened and it became this beautiful big mess. Like Sambhar. *Sigh*

So while I mustered the courage, trying to keep in sync with your complexities,the 'me' got lost and went overboard in trying to impress you. Over Cocktails and Coffee a desperate attempt was made to know you, and days spent in pondering over your giggles for hints. But as you know, you were in your own turmoils then, and I just pretended I didn't know.

You really drove me up the wall sometimes. Empathy is something you absolutely are not good at, and you have the attention span of a butterfly, or whatever is shorter. Sure, in your defense I never said anything, but maybe if you looked over your shoulder, in between the yes-no-maybe-sigh-off thing you were on, you could've made it out. You're really smart you know.

Over time, when I decided to finally give it a shot, you threw some photos at me, which threw me into a downward spiral. Those Pink Floyd / Trance music video type spirals. And that was that. I must say that cabin boy saved me from having to make an awfully hard decision. And I would have given it up hadn't it been for the aforementioned cabin boy's last minute plan. So guess I owe him.

And then there are the gadzillion things in between which have been discussed in fine detail over bottles of malted barley and fermented grain and what not with willing and unwilling ears.(at First willing, and then unwilling)

There's no running away from these "one sided " things. You know that rubbish about Emotional Quotient and all that jazz. All Rubbish. The response has just been delayed, like a rubber band stretching itself. It will rebound some day somewhere. People told me to effect "closure" by telling you about it. But I blogged about it. Better chances, I tell myself.

To say I am not bitter sometimes, is a lie. But Yes, that you will do well for yourself is something I wish and hope will come true.

Bottom line, is that I am at peace.There's not much buzz anymore and you've revamped yourself. Things have moved on. I won't say its the end of a chapter. Stories live on long after the books are closed. I will still miss you as a dear dear friend, whom I sadly didn't spend enough time with.

So now, can effectively say "been there done that". Again.

Trying to get back to that happy street puppy feeling you keep talking about.


Nov 15, 2011

Morality and more such nonsense

I come back to the same question. Is doing the right thing really that important? The right thing comes to me as naturally as crotch grabbing comes to Michael Jackson (his own or otherwise). Yet I don't feel right after years of what I thought was sensible, morally acceptable living. The world, for some unfathomable reason, doesn't seem to revolve around me.